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Please don't mis-interpret this feature as saying that I'm biased against Nintendo. Despite my general dissatisfaction with the N64, I still take every review on a game-by-game basis, regardless of what system it's for. The fact of the matter is that a lot of Nintendo's business practices deserve to be made fun of, and that's all I'm trying to do in this feature (in addition to making you laugh). I didn't actually interview anyone at Nintendo, but if I did, it would have gone something like this... Ivan: Has Shigeru Miyamoto ever developed a game in under three years? Nintendo: ... Ivan: Did anyone at Nintendo actually play Superman 64 before approving it for release? Nintendo: ... Ivan: What did it do to employee morale in 1997 when you realized that your biggest game of the year was Diddy Kong Racing? Nintendo: ... Ivan: Have you ever heard a worse slogan for a video game system than "The Fun Machine"? Nintendo: ... Ivan: Whose bright idea was it to stick with cartridges long after they became outdated as a viable storage format? Nintendo: ... Ivan: How embarrassed were you when Newsweek's cover story about video games heaped praise on the PlayStation 2, but only dedicated one sentence to the Dolphin? Nintendo: ... Ivan: How would you compare your biggest supporters (Acclaim and Midway) to Sony's biggest supporters (EA and Square)? Nintendo: ... Ivan: Do you feel kind of foolish insisting that the Dolphin is going to be released this year when everyone both within Nintendo and outside of Nintendo knows for a fact that it won't be? Nintendo: ... Ivan: Do you feel kind of foolish insisting that the Game Boy Advance is going to be released this year when everyone both within Nintendo and outside of Nintendo knows for a fact that it won't be? Nintendo: ... Ivan: Did you see the episode of South Park about Pokemon? Nintendo: ... Ivan: When someone accuses you of brainwashing children with Pokemon products, do you use the same tactics to get rid of them as the fake Pokemon creators in the South Park episode? Nintendo: ... Ivan: Why did Nintendo and Rare choose to make Banjo-Kazooie a complete rip-off of Super Mario 64 rather than creating a unique game? Nintendo: ... Ivan: Why did Nintendo and Rare choose to make Donkey Kong 64 a complete rip-off of Banjo-Kazooie rather than creating a unique game? Nintendo: ... Ivan: What kind of marketing genius thought of the name Banjo-Kazooie, anyway? How about Banjo-Tooie? Nintendo: ... Ivan: Do you honestly think that releasing one adult-oriented game (Conker's Bad Fur Day) will make everyone forget about all the kiddie- oriented crap you've released over the years? Nintendo: ... Ivan: How many times has Perfect Dark been delayed? I lost count somewhere around five. Nintendo: ... Ivan: Why has it taken you two full years to port StarCraft from the PC to the N64? Nintendo: ... Ivan: Why did it take you over five years to port the original Command & Conquer to the N64? Nintendo: ... Ivan: Do you lay awake at night thinking about how the vast majority of Nintendo's profits are derived from an over-hyped children's fad that is one day going to fade away just as quickly as it emerged? Nintendo: ... Ivan: I know that the Mario Party series is aimed at six-year-olds, but was it also designed by six-year-olds? Nintendo: ... Ivan: Well, thank you for your time. Nintendo: ... Send your thoughts on this feature to ivan@mastergamer.com
© 2001 ivan@mastergamer.com