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By Contributing Writer Jimmy Payne Rating: Crappy First of all, I would like to say that when Ivan originally asked me to review this game, I refused because I had heard how much it sucks from so many different places. A few days later, I was walking down the street minding my own business when all of a sudden a 300-pound bearded man knocked me out cold. I woke up alone in a dark room, with my legs and head tied to a chair, an N64 controller in my hands, and Superman on a TV set. After resigning myself to the living hell of playing the game, this review was born. When I was five, Superman was a prime example of nobility, strength, and overall goodness. Sadly, this image was destroyed with one swift touch of a start button. The gameplay is a complete embarrassment. If I were one of the developers who thought up the controls, I'd dig myself a hole and hide in it for about the next five years. Since flying is one of the things Superman does best, it should be fairly easy to lift off and maneuver your way around. According to the instruction book, all you have to do is push the Z button to lift off, use the analog stick to move around, and push the Z button again to land. It sounds perfectly normal, but when I tried it for the first couple of times I wondered why Superman was twitching like he was having a seizure. Once I finally got him off the ground, I tried maneuvering my way around the area, and this was an even harder task. By moving the analog stick while in flight, Superman will jerk back and forth, almost like a drunken circus clown, instead of gracefully gliding back and forth. Also, when I want to make a 180 or even a 90-degree turn, it's like trying to steer a Mack truck with no wheels. The game's developers must have realized how much the control sucks, because the levels seem to be designed specifically so you can accomplish your goals despite the horrible control. The rings that you must fly through are all put in a straight line, and all the objectives are child’s play. For instance, one objective is to push a set of buttons in the correct order, but you do this after the correct order is already read off to you. Now, if I’m not mistaken, my nine-year-old cousins can successfully accomplish this task, leading to the conclusion that this is a game targeted at the under-12 crowd (which is not unusual for an N64 game). So, putting two and two together (the hard-as-nails control and the extremely simple objectives), I think I’m correct when I say that this game is totally screwed up in terms of playability. If a young child were playing this game, they wouldn't be able to accomplish much due to the putrid control, and if an adult were playing this game, their intelligence would be insulted by the moronic objectives. Just talking about this makes me confused, angry, and in desperate need of some headache medicine. The music in Superman is a mixture of annoying bleeps and terrible rhythm. As if this wasn’t bad enough, the tracks are very short and they are looped over and over again. This means you hear the same God-awful tunes over and over again. It’s a miracle that my ears didn’t start bleeding from the long-term exposure. As you might have already guessed, Superman has an awful story line. The player is made to believe that Superman’s friends are trapped inside a virtual world (now that's original!) and it’s up to Superman to save the day. The bland backgrounds don’t do anything to remind you that you're in a "virtual world." It looks more like you were shrunk down to size and put inside a giant city made out of play blocks (this should tell you something about the game's graphics). Gee, this "virtual world" sure is foggy... The cut scenes are useless and don’t do anything to further the story line. Lex Luthor comes out, laughs at you, and then walks off to begin scheming again. To make you understand just how pathetic Superman's cut scenes really are, here is a paraphrased account of one of them: (Lex Luthor is standing about 20 feet away from Superman showing no sign of moving away) Superman: Luthor, hold it right there! (as if he's about to run away) Lex Luthor: AH AH AH! (as if he's in a dentist's chair) I'm not leaving just yet. Superman: Where's Lois?! Lex Luthor: First you must fly through these set of rings I have placed throughout my world. AH AH AH! (awkward pause as if Superman has to contemplate what Luthor just said) Superman: Don't count me out yet! Lex Luthor: AH AH AH! Good luck! AH AH AH! (Luthor walks away and Superman stands there as if he's stupefied) Superman gives Mario Party some competition in the "World's Most Embarrassing Game" category. It doesn't suck in a "It sucks so bad it's funny" sort of way, it sucks in a "It hurts to play it" sort of way. If you still want to buy Superman after reading this review, I recommend you get psychological help immediately. Send your thoughts on this review to jimmy@mastergamer.com
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