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By Jimmy Payne and Ivan Trembow A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, Master Gamer's own Rob Pecknold wrote a great feature called Fight Night. All right, it was early last year in the same galaxy we're in right now, but it really was a great feature. Rob's idea was to pit the PlayStation 2 and Dreamcast against each other in a fight to the death hosted by Nick Diamond and Johnny Gomez, the hosts of MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch. Over the past year, a lot has changed in the battle of the next- generation systems, and it's time once again for a Master Gamer staff member (or in this case, two of them) to predict the outcome of the upcoming system war. This feature is similar in concept to Fight Night, with the main differences being that it includes four systems instead of two, it's a race instead of a fight, and it's not the slightest bit well- written or funny. Wait a minute... scratch that last one. So without further ado, let's get it on! Oops, I mean start your engines, or something like that... Nick Diamond: Hello, race fans. I'm Nick Diamond. Johnny Gomez: And I'm Johnny Gomez. Welcome to today's big race between the Sega Dreamcast, Sony PlayStation 2, Nintendo Dolphin, and Microsoft Xbox. Why don't you explain the rules to the viewers at home, Nick? ND: Why don't you, you lazy bastard? Uh... I mean, the four consoles will have to race one lap around our huge track. Having new games or accessories inserted into them will give them a big boost and hopefully catapult them into first place. I've got just one question about all of this: Why would two Celebrity Deathmatch commentators would be hosting a race in the first place? JG: Why don't you just read the cue cards, Nick? The contestants are coming to the starting line, and the race is about to begin. ND: Look Johnny, the Dreamcast has its modem in hand. That should be a great advantage for it. The PlayStation 2 looks pretty much bare-bones except for the Emotion Engine and Graphics Synthesizer.. JG: It looks like the Dreamcast isn't the only one packing heat today. Check out the Xbox holding its Ethernet adapter AND 8GB hard drive in hand. That's a tough combo to beat, Nick. ND: You're absolutely right, but wait a minute, where's the Dolphin? It hasn't come to the starting line and it's nowhere in sight! JG: Don't worry, Nick. I'm sure the Dolphin will be here soon. Maybe it's in the bathroom or something. It does seem like Nintendo has released a lot of crap lately... ND: Good God! A crazy bald-headed man just shot a gun into the air and it looks like he's planning to shoot everyone in the arena with that thing! JG: No Nick, that means the race is starting. The Dreamcast is off to a tremendous start, while all the other consoles are still standing around for some reason. The Dreamcast isn't doing a whole lot with its modem right off the starting gates, but just the fact that it has a modem is giving it lots of confidence. ND: The PlayStation 2 seems to be really pumped up, but it still hasn't left the starting line. Right beside it is the Xbox, which doesn't look like it has any intention of moving anytime soon. The Xbox is actually looking into a mirror admiring itself. Microsoft seems to be pretty confident that they won't have any problems dominating the video game industry just like they seem to dominate most other industries on the planet. JG: Since no one else is moving, it seems as though the Dreamcast is getting a good lead and some tremendous support. The Dreamcast already has a good line-up of games highlighted by Soul Calibur, Dead or Alive 2, and the particularly spectacular Resident Evil: Code Veronica. Could the Dreamcast make it home before the others even start the race? ND: It doesn't look like it, because the PlayStation 2 has just burst out of the starting gate, and it's running even faster than the Dreamcast was right after it began the race. It's still not doing quite as well as most people thought it would, though. Must be the $300 price point and the loads of not-so-impressive launch games... JG: Don't forget the lack of a modem and a very questionable broadband plan, Nick. ND: Why do you always have to correct me, Johnny? You truly are a bitter person, aren't you? JG: Just call the race, Nick... oh my God, I've never seen so much Seaman in my life! ND (embarrassed): How did you know that I... JG: Sega's virtual pet game is intriguing gamers with its voice-recognition technology and extremely weird design. ND (thinking to himself): Whew, that was a close one... JG: SegaNet is now up and running, and free Dreamcasts are being given away. And in yet another big boost to the Dreamcast, Yu Suzuki has just given it Shenmue. It looks like the PS2 is going to need a lot more speed if it wants to win this race. ND: Looking back at the starting line, the Xbox is still admiring itself in the mirror. Will it ever start the race? JG: Wait a second... the Dolphin has finally arrived and is off to a fast start of its own! It looks like it's aiming right for the PlayStation 2 with the help of a Mario launch game. ND: The Dolphin's DVD drive will give it a much higher chance of succeeding than the Nintendo 64 ever had with its outdated cartridge format. The Dolphin also has Pokemon toys with it and is handing them out to all the little boys and girls in the crowd. JG: Nintendo is winning the hearts of children once again, but why are they concentrating on creating lots of Pokemon products for the kids and not on the race? ND: It looks to me like the DVD drive didn't do anything but increase the Dolphin's power. It didn't slap some sense into Nintendo, but gosh darn it, are those kids happy or what? JG: Shigeru Miyamoto has a microphone and he has told the crowd that he'll have a new Zelda game ready in just two minutes. This is exactly what the Dolphin needs to catch up with the Dreamcast and PlayStation 2. ND: Looks like this race is heating up. (Loud crash heard from the starting line) What was that, Johnny? JG: Good lord! The Xbox finally started the race, but it fell flat on its face after tripping on one of the Pokemon toys that Nintendo left behind. ND: That's gonna leave a mark. It seems as though the X-Box has gotten up and is now moving at a fairly fast pace. It's not getting as much third- party support as the PlayStation 2, but it's wowing consumers with its superior power. JG: Not only consumers, but lazy developers as well. It seems that many developers are pleased with the ease of developing for the Xbox, especially when they compare it with the PlayStation 2 in that regard. ND: Shigeru Miyamoto has just announced that he needs five more minutes to finish Zelda. Who didn't see that one coming? Meanwhile, the Dreamcast doesn't show any signs of slowing down thanks to its modem and SegaNet. JG: A funny-looking man has just run across the track and tripped the PlayStation 2 and Dreamcast! It happened so quickly that I didn't get a good look at his face. It seems as though the blow wasn't too devastating because both systems are back on their feet and moving quickly, but that will definitely shake their confidence. Who was that man?!? ND: I don't know, Johnny, but I do know that the Dolphin seems to be slowing down, giving the Xbox a perfect opportunity to take third place. The Dolphin's support appears to be pretty weak, and Miyamoto has just announced that he needs ten more minutes to finish Zelda! JG: Talk about history repeating itself. Now the Xbox has taken third place after that devastating announcement from Miyamoto. ND: Forget about that, Johnny! Look what Square just threw the PS2! JG: It's Final Fantasy 10! The PlayStation 2 is way out in front, and the crowd is going wild! ND: Well somebody stop the damn match! (Hell in a Cell reference) The PlayStation 2 looks indestructible right now thanks to Square, and the Dreamcast is really starting to show some fatigue. How much longer can it hold on? JG: The Dreamcast's already-meager third-party support has diminished even more, and the crowd seems to be turning all of its attention towards the PlayStation 2. Except for the kids, who are still intently watching the Dolphin. The Dolphin's reputation with hardcore gamers is being hurt by Mario Party 3 and lots of other kiddie-oriented crap. ND: Wait a minute, it's that man who tripped the PlayStation 2 and Dreamcast! He's talking to Square and he has his checkbook out. Could that be... no, it couldn't be... JG: Yes, it's Bill Gates, and he's trying to buy off Square! Security! Get that man off the track! Damn predatory business tactics... meanwhile, the PlayStation 2 and Dreamcast are still fairly close to one another, with the PS2 in the lead. The Dreamcast just won't give up, and it still has lots of first-party games to its credit. ND: Well, it might have to give up now, Johnny. Sony's broadband plans have finally come to fruition, and Square just released the online-only Final Fantasy 11. If those two things don't win the race for the PS2, I don't know what will. JG: It looks as though the crowd agrees with you, Nick. The Dreamcast is moving almost as slowly as The Rock and Triple H in that Iron Man Match, and it has fallen behind the Dolphin. You'd be pretty tired too if you were several years old and you never had an ounce of support from Square or EA... ND: Metal Gear Solid 2 has just been released for the PS2, and it now looks like the Dreamcast has no chance in hell of catching up to the PS2. Meanwhile, the Xbox has been hurt by the government investigating its predatory business tactics. And the Dolphin seems to be taking its merry old time, skipping along and putting on a happy face for the children in the crowd. JG: The PlayStation 2 has been slightly hurt by Sony's premature announcement of their next system. Not again! ND: Out of nowhere, the Xbox just left the Dolphin in the dust, and it's now gaining on the PlayStation 2. It seems as though the system's third- party support and broadband access are really taking off, Johnny. JG: Miyamoto has finally released his new Zelda game, giving the Dolphin a considerable lead over the Dreamcast. Unfortunately for the Dolphin, it looks like it's too little, too late because it's still nowhere near the PS2 or Xbox. ND: As for the Dreamcast, it's being over-shadowed by the superior graphics of all the other systems. It's a shame that the Dreamcast just doesn't have the power to compete over the long run. JG: The Dolphin is picking up some considerable speed thanks to amazing games from Nintendo and Rare, which always seem to kick in during the last few minutes of the race. I wonder how well the Dolphin would have done today if this kind of support had been maintained throughout the entire race. ND: Yes, it's unfortunate that Nintendo always gets its priorities straight too late in the game. JG: Buckle your seatbelts, the PlayStation and Xbox are in the home stretch and the Xbox is gaining on the PlayStation 2. In the words of WCW's Tony Schiavone, "This is the greatest night in the history of our sport." Could the Xbox pull ahead at the very last second? ND: No it can't! The PlayStation 2 has just won the race, with the Xbox coming in a close second. JG: We're not done yet, though. The Dreamcast has regained some speed and is now right alongside the Dolphin. What stamina! The Dreamcast has shown us today that it never gives up and it's always pushing itself to the max. ND: The Dolphin seems to be running off the side of the track... not another bathroom break! No, it looks like the Dolphin is back in the crowd handing out Pokemon games to little kids! It doesn't even seem to care that there's a race going on! JG: That's Nintendo for you. They don't seem particularly concerned about how they do in the race, just as long as they have the support of those little youngsters who keep them in business every year. ND: I can't believe it! The kids have turned heel on the Dolphin and are now punching and kicking it! The parents in the audience tried to stop their children at first, but now they seem to have said to themselves, "Ah, what the hell," and let the kids go at it. The Dolphin is really taking a pounding from those little fists of fury! JG: It took a while, but the Pokemon fad has finally ended. The kids have moved on to the latest fad and have no more interest in Pokemon, thus cutting Nintendo's revenues in half. That will teach Nintendo what happens when you target fickle six-year-olds who will one day abandon your product just as quickly as they started liking it. ND: So, the Dreamcast is our third place finisher for the day, leaving Nintendo to eventually cross the finish line in last place. How could a company with Dan Owsen working for it come in last place? JG: Today's race has been brought to you by Kelly Flock Caffeine-Free Soda, from Pepsi-Cola. It's the crap that ran down Coke's leg when they saw Pepsi One! ND: I was going to provide a summary of today's events, but I'm off to film an infomercial for those wonderful collectible coins. Will you finish up for me, Johnny? JG: Do I have a choice? To sum things up, the PlayStation 2 barely hung on to beat the technically superior Xbox. The Dreamcast also put in an amazing showing at the beginning of the race, but it couldn't compete with the PS2 over the long run. The Dolphin came in last place and is still licking its wounds, which were inflicted by a bunch of first-graders with short tempers and even shorter attention spans. Send your thoughts on this feature to jimmy@mastergamer.com and ivan@mastergamer.com
© 2001 ivan@mastergamer.com